Thank You for Hurting Me

Some wounds take a long time to heal. As the election season passes there is still a broken battle cry from women that are hurt and angry. Many that aren't feeling the same are saying "move on and get over it".  I realize that this election was more than a simple act of electing someone. It was a trigger for a huge percentage of people. This post is about women, like me, who feel the pain of sexual trauma all over again. This is hard to explain, I personally am a supporter of a third party and was surprised by the pain I felt when I heard the result. It was very triggering for me. I ended up in my therapist's office to work through that trigger. 

Today, I offer my condolences to every woman that has been on the receiving end of objectification in any way. It hurts, deeply. I know. I've been there. I spent well over 20 years trying to understand why things happened the way they did.

In the last year, I have come to a place of peace with my story. I have realized that every woman that has experienced any type of sexual trauma has a unique story, but the same emotions are held within each one. I think that is a beautiful thing becuase we get to be a part of each others stories. We are not alone. Occassionally I tell the details of my story but it is becoming more rare. Not because I am trying to keep a secret but I now realize that my privacy is sacred and I don't have to tell it unless I feel internally prompted. I won't tell it here. But yes, I get it. I spent many many years stuck. Many years trying to undo shame by being extra good. Mostly angry and depressed while putting on a good act of domesticity. 

I may be a little late to freedom in this area but HERE I AM. I have developed a profound gratitude for my experiences. I have realized that everyone that hurts someone does it out of their own brokenness. That is not an excuse for perpetrators but that is freeing for me. Hating someone only hurts the hater. You already know that. I have also realized that everything that happens was supposed to happen because it happened. I would not be who I am without pain. We want fullness and beauty in our lives but we are unwilling to make peace with the things that could be what forms us into the full expression of ourselves. Easy lives never create full and beautiful people. Take stock of the people you admire, then ask them about their pain. There is always something that has been integrated. A hurt that became an exquisite scar.  

I have discovered that I can embrace every part of myself and forgive myself for taking so long to do so. I can be a sexual, sensual being without fear of being mistreated and taken advantage of. Although it took many years of falling into old patterns of thinking I can finally trust my discernment. I am whole. I am not a victim. I forgive. 

Strange as this may be I am deeply thankful for every situation I have ever been in. My experiences are all a part of my formation. The good, bad, beautiful, ugly. Both the things that I chose that caused harm and the things that I did not choose and caused harm to me. They are all part of the fabric of who I am. God is using every single experience to weave me into a beautiful tapestry.  

To all of the women that are feeling extra broken right now, I send so much love. This is not a nice way of saying "get over it". This is an invitation to allow the pain to begin to form more beautiful things within. Don't stay a victim. You are not an object. You are a powerful, beautiful creation. Completely equal to any man. Live into that. Politics have no power over who we have the potential to become. If you want to fight for justice, fight for justice. Just don't stay broken. 

Big love,

Nicole

 

Saying Yes to Gratitude

The Minimalist Project