Libido, defined as sexual desire….. What causes a lack of it? How can you increase it? Why should you put effort into increasing it?
This is a subject that I am absolutely passionate about. I truly work at increasing mine and support my husband increasing his. One of the reasons I do is because sex and money are the two things couples fight about the most. I don’t like fighting. I like peace. I like connection. Having a thriving sex life is extremely supportive of connection. To have a truly healthy, thriving sex life that is not one sided, both members of the relationship need a healthy libido.
Let’s start with the question of cause. There are 3 categories of people in regards to this.
Person A: Has no desire and thinks wanting to have desire is silly. They just don’t care that they have no desire and are perfectly happy with that.
Person B: Has no desire but truly wants to have desire. They feel sad that they don’t want to have sex with their partner and can’t figure out how to change that.
Person C: Has some desire.
This tends to lean towards women being the low desire partner, at least that is the perception, but that is NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. Men often have low libido but because of societal norms don’t express it. Vice versa, women with high desire tend to not share that because it is totally acceptable and, in some circles, expected for women to complain about having sex, especially in long term relationships.
What causes low libido? There is no simple answer but here are a few things that affect this. It is often a combination of two or more of these.
Hormones. If your hormones are not balanced, especially if testosterone is low, you will likely feel your libido is low. This applies to men and women. Get it checked. Once you know, you can work with your doctor to figure out a way to increase. I personally am a fan of bio identical hormones but they aren’t suitable for everyone. You will definitely need your doctor to direct this.
General health. If you do not take care of yourself, eating a standard American diet of processed food and loads of sugar, you don’t exercise and are tired all the time, of course you aren’t going to want sex. Get healthy and you may see an increase just from that. We take supplements as part of our diet that specifically increase libido. You can check them out here.
Your thoughts. Whatever you think about sex is going to affect your libido. So often we have been conditioned that sex is bad, dirty, shameful, a waste of time, etc. These things will affect us if we aren’t actively creating thoughts in support of desire. Maybe take a minute to write down your thoughts about sex and figure out what thoughts would be more supportive of your desired reality. Start practicing the new thought.
Trauma and subconscious belief systems. This is closely related to 3 but it is much deeper. Trauma of any kind can affect libido. Our body truly does keep the score and trauma is stored in the body. There is a great book on this subject if you are interested, The Body Keeps the Score. To change this requires accessing the body/mind and finding ways to release stored subconscious memories. The things that helped me heal trauma and address my subconscious have been yoga, meditation and prayer, therapy, and coaching. Coaching was by far the most impactful because I learned techniques and practices that helped me gently release trauma from my body. Quite incredible!
I want to create an argument for doing everything in our power to turn up the volume on our libido no matter which person we are or what the cause is. I realize that chances are Person A isn’t even reading this post. To change this you must at least have the desire to have desire.
Why should you put effort into wanting more libido?
Besides the obvious, more sex=more connection with your partner, I want to invite you to recall a time in your life when you did feel desire. Maybe you were young, excited about your partner, excited about your life. Try to remember what that felt like. For me I would compare it to having a rush of energy. Excited about everything. The grass seemed greener and the sky bluer.
This is why so many affairs happen. The rush of excitement we get from an increase in hormones, caused from something new. I have good news though….. you don’t need to have an affair to turn up the volume on your libido.
The energy you get from an increase in libido does not have to just be used for sex. It is actually totally amazing to use this energy to create new things in the world. To create a passion filled life that makes you excited to open your eyes every morning. That makes you look forward to getting dressed. It’s almost like every aspect of life begins to crackle with energy. You have the opportunity to direct this sexual energy towards any part of life you choose. You don’t even need to be in a sexual relationship to gain incredible value from an increase in libido. Basically, life becomes a bit enchanted.
So how can you increase libido? I listed numerous things above but for starters just make a decision that you want this for yourself. Start being intentional about creating it. If you are in a relationship, set a weekly date night and make it priority. The day of your date start early in the day thinking about your partner. Think of the things you love about them. Think about when you first fell in love. Remind your body of what it felt like in the beginning to get dressed for a date with this person. I’ve been married 24 years and by doing this practice I get as excited about a date now as I did when I was 21. The air is almost electric as we are preparing for a night out (or in).
If you do go out constantly choose thoughts that are in service to desire.
Don’t bring up things you know will lead you in the opposite direction.
If you are like us and have children and grandchildren, it’s easy to talk about their struggles and successes. Those are great but if the focus is never on you or your relationship you won’t find the desire you want.
Talk about things that excite you. Dream together.
Talk about your beginning.
Look into each others eyes and remember that this person is worthy of desiring.
Make a playlist of your favorite songs together. Especially ones that remind you of the early years.
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Seriously. Do you remember when kissing was absolutely magical? It still is, you may have just stopped paying attention. Try to spend an extended amount of time kissing without progressing. Just be with the pleasure of kissing.
If you go to dinner DON’T OVEREAT. No one has desire with a stuffed tummy!
Eventually I’ll make a longer list but these are a great start.
I believe with my whole heart that when people have healthy libido that is directed in healthy ways the world benefits. You tend to be happier and more peaceful in this state.
There are so many reasons to do this work. I hope you will hear me and put some of these things into practice. If I can be of a help to you click here to schedule a free call with me.